Getting Beaten up in Country NSW: Mini Golf Hire Melbourne

This article has nothing to do with Mini Golf Hire Melbourne. But does google know this…

Three things will get you beaten up at the Duck’s Head Hotel in Karnvale, NSW.

-Cheating at darts

-Parking in Harry ‘Donger’ Jenkins’ car spot

-Putting ‘Lady in Red’ on the juke box.

The first two are common sense, especially seeing as Donger has erected a corflute sign in his favourite spot with ‘Donger Parking Only’ written very clearly in bright orange spray paint. It is cable tied to the cyclone fence and there is no excuse for not seeing it. Even a first timer to the area (like I was) knew not to park there.

The ‘Lady in Red’ rule, however, is only discovered by a first timer to the area (like I was) if either a quick thinking (and kind) local can intervene before you select ’32-03’ on the ancient jukebox, or it is discovered when a clenched fist swiftly meets your nose.

My discovery was kind of a mix of the two.

Drunk is not an accurate way of describing my state. I had consumed enough to confidently say hello to strangers but not enough to slur my words. I was in that small window between sober and drunk where you are in your best pool playing zone. Relaxed enough to avoid nervous shooting with the best of your accuracy still intact.

Had there not been a queue of two dollar coins already on the pool table, that is exactly where the change in my pocket would have gone. But waiting is not something that I do well, so I decided my coins were destined for the juke box.

They had the usual stuff. INXS, Cold Chisel and Croatian folk music. I nearly selected ‘Shut up a Your Face’ when I saw an old favourite leap out at me from a 1980’s best-of. Lady in Red is one of the most important songs in my life. The Chris De Burgh classic has been there for me when people have not. Good times, bad times, erotic times, the easy melody expressed by Chris’ velvet voice has been the backing track to anything important in my time on this planet. This day at the Duck’s head would be no exception.

I got to hear the intro. The intro lasts about as long as it takes a 110kg shearer named Errol to get from his seat at the bar, to the jukebox where I was standing. As soon as the song started, I had turned around to the punters, hoping one of the local girls would recognise the tune, think I was being funny/cute and use it as a risk free way to strike up a conversation. Instead, I got Errol.

Errol taught me that ‘seeing stars’ is not just expression. Turns out, it’s a real thing. In the middle of the shock of having my nose broken (or so I thought) I remember little white dots dancing in my vision and on some level being impressed.

In between the dancing dots I saw Errol’s fist draw back in preparation to finish the job the first punch had started.

“Wait!” was all I could think to say.

“What have I done?!”

A man half Errol’s size stepped between me and the giant fist. He didn’t actually say anything to my attacker but Errol immediately backed off and went back to his chair. He didn’t look phased by the fact he had just smashed my face. He wasn’t apologising, he wasn’t gloating, he just went back to his beer.

The smaller gentleman who had saved my life put a hand on my shoulder.

“I won’t ask if you’re okay, cause clearly you are not. I will however, ask what in God’s name you were thinking playing that damn song in here”

Suddenly I didn’t feel so comforted by the man who had stopped me from being further assaulted.

“What? Lady in Red? Your mate could have killed me and that’s what it’s over? He punched me in the face because of a song?”

“Listen pal, folks around here have got a long runnin feud with Wang Chung and we don’t like having their god damn songs rubbed in our god damn faces do you understand?!”

“Chris DeBurgh.”

“Hey?”

“It’s a Chris DeBurgh song. Probably his most famous. That and ‘Don’t pay the Ferryman’.”

“Are you sure. If you’re trying to trick me the next punch is coming from me and ain’t nobody round here gonna step between us”

“Yes! I’m sure. Wang Chung sang ‘Dance Hall Days’ and ‘Everybody Wang Chung Tonight’. They never, ever performed ‘Lady in Red’. Google it if you don’t believe me!”

The questionable Samaritan did as I suggested and consulted the internet to answer his question.

“Sorry mate. I stand corrected. Chris DeBurgh it is.”

Errol and I then slow danced to ‘Lady in Red’ for the rest of the night. He moves pretty good for a big guy.

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